Sometimes I Fall Down

I can't believe it's already May. Since my last blog,  I've reached a number of exciting milestones: I got my business license, launched my new Facebook page, and deposited my first paycheque as an entrepreneur! I'm proud of my progress.

But truth be told, this has been a tough winter, and this post is more personal than professional. I spent months feeling like I was fighting the office cold, and generally felt a desire to climb into my bear-cave and hibernate through to Spring.

In March, just as the sun came out and the robins began to sing, my pace of life slowed even further. I felt tired, sluggish, and couldn't concentrate. My motivation was non-existent. I assumed I was finally getting the flu. I didn't get the flu. But I spent almost a week at home, sleeping 10-hour nights and topping up with mid-day naps. I startled easily, and could feel my pulse pounding in my belly, sounding alarm bells at imaginary threats.

At this point, my exercise routine dropped off, and I dialed way back on social activities.

My friends lovingly placed bets on mono.

I went to the doctor and all my tests came back top notch. The good news: I'm still on track to live to 100.  The bad news...

 

SOMETIMES I FALL DOWN

It wasn't until the 6-week mark that I finally accepted my doctor's suggestion that this was a mental health concern, not a physical one. She used words like "run down" and "mentally exhausted."

I was relieved (there is something particularly worrisome about mystery symptoms), but also disappointed. I'd worked through a depression/anxiety a few years ago, and had hoped I was past all of this.

But mental health is tricky. If depression is a black dog, it's also a ninja, creeping up through the shadows, undetected til it's on your back.

Life gets challenging and we adjust routines to accommodate, boundaries shift. I thought I was just experiencing the natural responses to life's inevitable disappointments. Somewhere along the line, I glanced away from the dashboard and didn't notice the battery running low.

I spend a lot of time promoting mental health in the workplace. Seriously, it's the main focus of my day job. And I know:  this is an illness not a character flaw. It can happen to anyone. 

But it's a lesson I need to keep re-learning.

I spent weeks feeling critical of my own "laziness," and guilty for not taking better care of myself. I felt sorry for myself that I didn't have the energy and motivation to do everything I want to do, and then I felt self-indulgent for wallowing. It was a turbulent spiral that made everything worse.

Finally, after weeks of hobbling around with a ninja-dog on my back, I decided to take some dedicated time off work - all of it, day job and side gig - and focus solely on resting my brain. I deep cleaned the bathroom, scrubbing away sludge from hidden nooks and crannies. I weeded the garden. I dusted. I'm closely following my doctor's treatment plan, which includes a return to daily workouts, and I'm allowing myself to regenerate through sleep.

I am finally starting to feel myself again.

 

WHY SHARE?

I don't want to be that person. We all know someone who defines themselves by their illness. I'm keeping my eye on the prize, even from down here on my butt. But it's also time for me to share what's going on. Here's why:

1) It's part of my story. It's a simple matter of wanting you to know something more about me. I know, I'm a private person. I'm working on it! As the saying goes: When you stumble, make it part of the dance. Consider this my own personal jitterbug. It's easy to share the best parts of life, and I'm now ready to show you a crummy part too.

2) It's empowering. The more I share, the easier it is to break out of the spiral I described above. It's also a signal of trust. By sharing this piece of my life, I open myself to the healing power of my community. And talking about it helps reduce the menace of that ninja-dog. 

3) It's National Mental Health Week and I'm compelled to #GetLoud. Stigma around mental health remains a leading deterrent to people seeking treatment. Especially self-stigma.

Self-stigma is just what it sounds like: that deep-seated personal judgment that holds us to an impossible double standard. A condition we can understand and support in others is still shameful and guilt-laden in ourselves. Self-stigma uses fear to hold us back, and can manifest in thoughts like:

• That couldn’t happen to me. Our family is strong... or
• I can tough it out...or
• This is just a blip... or
• My life is fine, there's no reason for me to be depressed/anxious... (more on that later)  or
• I'm not crazy/psycho/incompetent, so I'm fine.

It really can happen to anyone. Even people with full and rewarding lives. Even optimists. Even me. Maybe even you.

Mental health is a very complex topic. The Canadian Mental Health Association's Mental Health Meter is a gentle, evidence-based guide to help you assess your own mental health. It's not meant to diagnose, but sometimes we need a reminder of what good health looks like. This tool examines a number of different elements of well-being.

If my experience resonates for you, or you're worried something's not quite right, talk to your doctor, counselor or a trusted friend.

Be open to the possibility of thriving again. With proper attention, this is treatable.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

I'm still the same person.  I've just been... extra-sensitive...tired-er... less resilient... and on reflection, grouchier.

Like everyone, I need patience and understanding, but I don't need pity.

Consider rethinking any sentence that starts with "Can't you just..." (...get some exercise, shake it off, breathe deeply, visualize your way to happiness...)  You know me. I do all of these things pretty consistently, and it's true, all of them help. But trivialization doesn't.

And it doesn't change the fact that a mental health issue is inherently illogical:  There's no reason I feel worried, anxious, distracted. The simplest explanation is brain chemistry.  Is there a root cause?  Maybe - that's part of my exploration. And you need to know, that question has an ugly side.

Although it can be a pure and well-intentioned attempt to help, that question also often comes laced with blame.  Tread carefully.

Just as there may or may not be a root cause of the cold you picked up last month, the real challenge now is simply to get better.

Tell me you're thinking of me.  Tell me something that reminds me I'm a valuable part of your community.  Read my cues. If I decline an invitation or set a boundary you don't recognize, respect that.  It's not personal, I'm just taking care of myself.  If I'm forgetful or irritable, offer a little grace.  I'll be back.

The stats tell us you likely have other people in your life going through the same thing, whether they know it or not; whether you know it or not.  Imagine what would happen if we all did this for each other.

I've experienced low points before, and I've come to realize how much empathy, insight and even creativity I cultivate down here.  I lead a pretty full and amazing life.  Falling down every now and then is just one aspect that inspires it.

I know my struggle is not unique or even unusual, and I am especially lucky to have a supportive community and access through work to additional resources to help me through.  With humility and gratitude, I acknowledge everyone - teammates, friends, family - who have pitched in and simply checked in while I focus on getting healthy.

To support my recovery, I've simplified my diet, and given myself way more leeway than usual to get lots of sleep, go for walks, write and remind myself that this too shall pass. 

I expect to be back on my feet very soon.

***

When she's in full health, Shannon enjoys growing her fledgling writing business.  She loves helping clients tell human stories that help us connect with each other. In her day job, she promotes mental health and positive workplace culture within the public service.  

If you want to follow the story of starting my own biz, subscribe here and follow on Facebook.  Thanks, you're the best!

Photos courtesy of Pixabay and Canva